It has been a long time since I wrote my last blog. Why because in truth I just didn't really feel inclined to write yet another blog about an adventure with a couple while there was still a massive elephant in the room. That being the impact a woman had on me that has been so dramatic it just blew everything out of the water and forever altered my perceptions of reality. Even as I type I am hesitant to proceed, however I do find my blogs useful for clearing my thought processes. Besides, there is no law that says I have to publish this so lets see how I feel as I progress through this blog.
One of my reasons for hesitating is the persona one conveys as a Bull and my reluctance to expose any vulnerabilities. Having said that, the reality is that everyone has their vulnerabilities. The only thing that differs is how we carry them.
Beyond the walls of the lifestyle I have always been rather proud of the nicknames given to me by one of my closest friends. He knows just about everything that I get up to and is actually one of the reasons I started blogging in the first place. He kept pushing me to write a book about all my adventures. That sounded like too much hard work so we compromised with me writing a blog instead ;-)
Anyway he often refers to me as a vulcan, Data or Palpatine ( if you ain't a nerd you might not get it ) because of the rational, measured way I approach life even in times of extreme adversity. This has also been the approach used by me in my life as a swinger and for more years than I can remember. My initial reasons for focusing so much on couples had nothing to do with cuckolding. In fact in the early days the word barely registered in my consciousness. Due to my personal circumstances at the time I made the conscious decision to give single women a wide berth. Primarily to reduce the chances of emotional complications. Not just for my own protection but because of the code that I live by. I never want to knowingly be the source of emotional pain for anyone that I encounter.
Navigating the emotional tightrope with the wives and girlfriends of the couples I meet is almost like breathing for me. I don't do it consciously but somehow I just instinctively know how close to get without complications developing. Of course there is the occasional hiccup but more as part of the get to know you process than anything else.
Then it happened......A chance encounter with a single woman at a spa led to a friendship and that friendship led to something more. With her not being married I forgot to put my normal swingers filters up that stop me from getting too close to people. After all that's not what swinging is about.....is it?
I don't want to risk giving away her identity so I'm going to be very vague about my experiences with this woman and also how and why it came to an end. What I will say is this........bloody hell!! Now I get it. Up until meeting this woman I think I was just a casual interested observer of people experiencing the L word when its all consuming. In daily life I have often been the person people come to for advice in times of emotional turmoil. I always thought I gave good advice but never quite understood why friends couldn't quickly pull themselves together when their hearts were broken. Now I get it. Now I know why people curl up with tubs of ice cream, now I know why so many love songs are written and what the words REALLY mean ahhhh!!!
When it was good it was intoxicatingly good. I literally felt like an all powerful super being and that all things were possible. I was so sickeningly happy my non swinging friend wanted to punch me in the face and throw up. When things came to an end it was equally dramatic. I felt like Data with a malfunctioning emotion chip implant ( please forgive the reference if you're not a fellow nerd ). "turn it off, turn it off" were my thoughts.
So what now? Now things are calmer and my resilience is now back, I think, well kinda. Things have changed, I think for the better and my approach to swinging and cuckolding has now changed. All too subtle on the surface but the implications are far reaching.......
No comments:
Post a Comment